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Part One

I was outside of an office building trying to film myself levitating. The gravel was deep yet sparse so it was hard to find a spot where the camera would have a good view of my feet. After a while Gabe said he would get down on the ground and film me. There were a bunch of people there who thought it was impossible for me to levitate. I had to take off all my clothes to prove to them that I wasn’t using any wires. I tried to levitate starting from rubbery ground but that didn’t work so I moved over to cement. After a few failed attempts I was able to focus my energy and hover to the roof of the building on the other side of the courtyard.

Part Two

I was visiting California with Scott. We saw the ocean and then we went to an amusement park. We went on water slides that were supposed to hurt your legs and then we played a game that involved doing your own laundry. Some people were taking showers at the amusement park and a dark-haired girl talked to the woman at the desk and asked her where the wax was in French. A few days later I found myself trapped in some random guy’s house and I tricked his kids into letting me escape. He chased me all over the neighborhood. He probably would’ve caught me if he hadn’t gotten eaten by a giant monster made of zombie testicles.

Anne-Michèle was living in my house. She liked to have people over for dinner and she liked to play Scrabble with my dad. One day she told me that one of her regular dinner guests was a hermaphrodite and that he had gotten her pregnant even though she already had a girlfriend. She asked me to adopt her baby, and I wanted to, but I was unemployed so I thought it would be better for her to keep the baby. She got upset and went upstairs to be alone. I thought an A Beautiful Lotus concert might make her feel better so I went upstairs to invite her. She wasn’t in her room so I ran back downstairs to see if she was outside. There was a guy getting ready to drive away in his car so I banged on the door and screamed “Where is she‽” He said she was “in the back” so I screamed and banged on the trunk until she opened it and got out.

There was a church surrounded by a moat. I went on a tour of the church and there was a service in progress on the other side of some windows. It seemed like a cult but it was very dark and hazy in the central area so it was hard to tell exactly which rituals were performed. One of the tourists said there were people hanging upside down from the ceiling. An ideological war broke out. People were fighting in the moat and they were getting very muddy. Police showed up and diffused the situation. The muddy people went into another building to take showers. There was a skinny girl who was drying off and I tried to have sex with her standing up but she pushed me away.

I went to a hockey game at the Pepsi Center. There were two ice rinks separated by nets and players could skate from one to the other. The Avalanche goaltender kept trying to score in the goal behind his own. The game ended and my stepmom asked me to buy a small whiteboard on my way home, I think she wanted to use it to keep track of mammography appointments. My parents and I went home in three separate cars. Our house was in Japan so my car turned into the Millennium Falcon so I could cross the Pacific Ocean. A giant Buddha statue was also crossing the Pacific but it exploded when it neared the Japanese shoreline. The dream became animated and the Japanese Emperor, who had African ancestry, was very sad about the destruction of the Buddha statue. The Emperor was heating tacos in the microwave when a masked assassin entered the room. The tacos got too hot and became the consistency of giant microwaved marshmallows and made a big mess on the floor. The animated part of the dream ended and the three of us were back home and I had forgotten to get a whiteboard. My bedroom was on one of the upper floors and I decided to sneak out of the window and onto the roof. I sang an Anberlin song as I was climbing down the roof and jumping off: Take what you want from me, it means nothing now. Take everything from me, it means nothing now. Not so easy to forgive, harder to forget, take what you want. I landed in wet grass and started crawling with my stomach close to the ground so nobody could see me. My dad came out of the house and asked me if I wanted to go to the grocery store with him. My stepmom told me to “get the breast cancer test with the cup” instead of the whiteboard. There was also something about my mom working at a movie theater in Hollywood with hundreds of screens.

Part One

I was a contestant on a game show and I was asked a question about baseball. I didn’t know the answer but Philadelphia Eagles was the first thing that came to mind, so that’s what I guessed. My answer was incorrect because Philadelphia Eagles is a football team. I was the laughing stock of the nation for the next few days. Daniel Tosh wanted to put me on Tosh.0, but his viewers voted against it.

Part Two

It was Saturday afternoon and I was hanging out with Britty and some of her friends. Halloween had been the night before. We went to a store looking for discount Halloween items because we were going to a party later in the evening. They persuaded me into buying small holographic stickers for my face and an ugly green mask with a gold crown on top. I told them the mask reminded me of the dead king costume from my youth.