Blog

I was walking along Spring Creek with some random guys and we saw girls throwing rocks at squirrels who were having a threesome on the grass. Then we saw some big evil worms in the water so we decided to go fishing.

There was an evil lemur in my backyard so I tried to catch it in a pet carrier which was hard because it could jump like eight feet from the tree to the roof and back again. Then a bunch of other people caught what looked like giant gray animal-blood sucking naked men and I found out that the thing in my backyard was a young version of those. They had also caught smaller giants that were more adult male looking who kept asking to be set free. The whole thing was like Brotherhood of the Wolf except with giant versions of the monsters in The Descent.

Jenna Jameson became pregnant but an extra sperm cell became trapped inside the combined cells which caused her baby to have clear skin and no bones or muscles. You could see its blood pumping through its veins. It couldn’t talk because it didn’t have any bones. The doctors replaced its skull with that of a crocodile which made it look like Alien Resurrection. One day it started talking and they discovered that it had grown its own bones and normal skin, muscles, etc. It grew into a handsome man who married a beautiful alien and they had a daughter but the government kept sending little girl robots to capture the daughter.

My dad and I were going to Target looking for sports stuff. We went inside but it was really a grocery store. There were many people from school shopping with their parents. I soon discovered that I worked there along with many other students and that a party was being held in our honor. Our very skinny teachers in their bizarre outfits made us wait in line for food. While in line the setting changed into a nighttime hot springs resort. Adjacent to the nearest pool was a fiery rectangular hole in the ground that talked and demanded road kill for food. People kept stuffing furniture in it but that didn't do anything. The hole discovered that one woman in the pool had received a skin transplant, it said she wouldn't be harmed if she crawled inside. She went inside and found herself in a virtual casino. The fiery hole had turned into a giant chameleon and said that this virtual casino was an exact replica of the one in Die Hard and that there are only two ways out: win, or die. Then the room transformed into a dark jungle room and I found myself watching a movie with my dad, step mom, and grandmother but my grandmother was really a small orange monkey and we started naming various television cops.

Part One

We went to that highly exclusive swimming pool in Loveland where you need reservations. I was told that I would be swimming with two men who were longtime friends and somehow I would be involved in a joke where one of them would pretend to be gay but really he just opened up a can of underwater whoop-ass on me. Then I met up with one of my friends near the locker room and she had found over $100 so naturally I asked for it and I was surprised when she gave it to me because I thought she was going to give it to lost and found like some kind of normal person. Then after a series of labyrinthine locker room adventures we decided to escape via the basement. The only exit seemed to be a cement sewer with a hole too small to fit through but I kicked it anyway and it was merely rotting wood and dirt. We emerged in a dry field with a very busy intersection of trains. We spotted a girl walking naked who was soon raped, after that we decided to leave. We crossed into the land of Saosin‑upon‑Flaff at dusk and then ice wolves came down from the steep snowy mountains and killed everyone.

Part Two

I found myself in Yellowstone with my dad and a few other people. After almost losing my hat a few times in the first set of boring geysers we decided to go home. On our way out we saw a new attraction of covered mineral springs with slide entrances each one with its own ‘orientation’ or ‘theme’ and The Fall of Troy was playing at one of them.

Part Three

Cole drove us to a building and we got out and then some random women came to borrow his car. We couldn’t bring his cat into the building so I put a leash on it and it turned into a large colorful toad. An unleashed toad similar to it came and they began to fight but ours was losing because Cole wouldn’t take it off the leash that he was holding. Then the other toad’s owner came and sprayed thick black toad ink in my face.