There was a weird hospital in the middle of the desert where old ladies were giving massages and tarot readings. There were also some sick girls in bed whose bodies would rapidly mummify and when they died they were turned into tires and shipped off in a train but the train and track kept falling apart.

Part One

There was a really big park and kids were hunting giant endangered bears like cavemen while their moms watched. Then we walked over to a wedding and most of the kids weren’t holding their plates correctly so food was falling off. Someone thought it would be a good idea if the 15,000 guests formed two lines for a picture but they kept wanting to move the lines back and forth and people were falling over and getting crushed. Emily’s toe got cut off and rolled down a drain. It was basically the most disastrous wedding ever.

Part Two

They were launching the world’s first flying cars which seemed more like hot air balloons connected with a giant rope but one of them crashed and made a giant splash south of town.

Part Three

Everyone thought a Christian guy was cloning babies and feeding people their brains in a restaurant (they had the color and texture of shrimp) but it turns out he was creating the babies from scratch.

Ten years ago a guy in a wool sweater tried to kill me, Dan, John, and Mark with his shotgun while we were escaping from his backyard because he thought we raped his daughter. We didn’t want the media to bring it up anymore so we decided to go to his house in the country and kill him. I parked my car behind his red barn so it would be well hidden and we went inside his house because he wasn’t home. He soon came home and was surprised to see us so we asked if we could borrow his tools (so we could kill him with them) but he caught on and we decided to come back later. We were playing with his knives in the kitchen and he came home again but wasn’t as surprised to see us. John was reading one of his magazines and asked him if he had a third nipple that needed removing. He said no and sat down at the table. There was a rug on the floor with an uneven design so I cut off the side to make it right and when I was done with that I got up and they had already cut off his arms. I burned four Anberlin songs for Mark each on a separate disc then we turned into miniature South Park characters and made sparkly cardboard dioramas that shrink when you pray and sing a special song in the sunlight. Then we turned into gooey monsters and chased him down the road but we were still small so I used my nuclear magic powers to make us regular size then we turned into giant fruit and fell off a snowy cliff. Then Vera and I went and made more shrinky boxes on a mountain and in a museum.

I was J.D. from Scrubs and I had just robbed a bank in Moab. The digital compass in my Jeep said I was driving east on some kind of dirt road or race track in the city. Then I had a date with Paris Hilton and her father in an empty bus station and we were all speaking French but I guess I didn’t like that so I got up and left and threw all my money in the air.

My mom, Jane, Hannah, and I were sitting on the floor of a hallway in a strange hospital. My mom said this was the last time that I would ever see my youngest and most distant cousin who was singing “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” next to his brother and mother as I was being dragged away. Then, as I was carrying Hannah on my shoulders, Marie walked by. We were looking for my mom’s white Prius in the parking lot but there were multiple ones so we had to wait until some of the other cars left and we spotted it on one of the underground levels. The staff made us call a garbage company and wait in the dirt on the far end of the property as they removed a giant ladder. The wind was blowing sand in everyone’s ears and I started singing the bassline to “Miss Murder” to pass the time. The staff explained that this parking garage had been featured in a really bad movie called Sam Cooper. Instead of going back to the car with the others I found a talking cat and explored the empty garage which we found to be seven stories (or eight including the glass panel roof) but there was a creepy old man walking around on the outside of the roof so I ducked down on the ground.